Opening Song
(Washington Post)Dum da-dah, da-dum-da, Dum da-dah, da-dum-da, Dum da-dah da-dah da-dah da-dah da-dum Dah! Oh, this is the FASS show, FASS show, FASS show, And, really, we hope you think it's good, Although it goes longer than it should. 'Cause this is the FASS show, FASS show, FASS show, We're doing in Nineteen Eighty-five! We're glad that we finally got the chance, (MaybeWe'reGoodAndYetMaybeWe'reBad) (AndYetMaybeNobodyCanTell) To sing you a song, (MaybeNobodyCanTell) Or do you a dance. (MaybeNobodyCanTell) We hope that you'll get the jokes and laugh, (MaybeWe'reGoodAndYetMaybeWe'reBad) (AndYetMaybeNobodyCanTell) Because, you see, this is the point of a FASS show. And now it's time to introduce the characters, Because, without them, we would have no show. (WithoutThemWeCouldn'tPresentTheShow) And if we may, we'd like to say, We're going to rhyme their names off, Just because we thought you'd like to know! (Oh no they don't!) Oh yes they do! (Oh no they don't!) Oh yes they do! (Oh no they don't!) They do! (They don't!) They do! (They don't!) DO! The Superheroes are all here to do good deeds, (Please pay no heed--, anything they have to say,) Upholding Truth and Mom and Apple Pie! (Not even worth-- all-the-air they'll use) So never mind the other slime, They're here to practice evil (We are the best, forget the rest,) (We've got the whole thing sewn up,) Keep your eyes on us, we're gonna fly! (Never mind those guys, they're going to lose!) FASS! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Into The End Zone
(Laverne & Shirley Theme)ALL: We're gonna do it! HEROES: Give us any ground, we'll take it! Show us any leg, we'll break it! We're gonna walk all over you, Into the end zone! VILLAINS: Gettin' ready for the sack now, Gonna kill your quarterback now, And punt the pieces back to you, Into the end zone! ALL: There is nothing we won't try! Never heard the word "unethical"! This time, there's no stopping us! Go for the end zone! HEROES: Electrocute the forward tackle! Listen to the current crackle! VILLAINS: Turn their defensive line to stew ALL: Let's get to it! Fighting, and biting, First down and ninety-two, Then watch the slow-motion replay Makin' our dreams come true Here at FASS U. ! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Cockroachman
(Spider-Man Theme)Cockroachman, Cockroachman Eats whatever a cockroach can He can go, anywhere See him crawl over there Look out, here comes the Cockroachman. In a garbage heap At the scene of a crime, Like a crawling creep, He'll arrive just in time. Cockroachman, Cockroachman, Lives inside of a garbage can, Village food he can eat This includes mystery meat. Look out, here comes the Cockroachman! [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Director's Lament
(Maria/Tonight)Director I've just been acclaimed the director. And suddenly I see Horizons spreading out for me! Direct. Direct. I've wanted to direct And now I have my chance to do FASS Direct, Direct. To make it all correct, To take charge, to make good, to kick ass. The script is not what I had asked for, The dialogue's not clever, But neither is the cast. But all in all, I'd say it's been a ball. And if next year they ask me I will DIRECT! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Lightsabers
(Life Savers Commercial)Tweet-Tweet Twiddle-Twiddle There's gonna be a hero with a hole in the middle. Tweet-Tweet Twiddle-Twiddle We'll slice those heroes up and we'll chop 'em real little. Light-sabers Yeah yeah yeah There's gonna be There's gonna be There's gonna be a hero with a hole in his middle. Light-sabers Yeah yeah yeah Light-sabers. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Knock'em Out Cold
(Tell Him)VILLAINS: We know what is the most fun, It's breaking peoples' heads, Acting like Atilla the Hun, And mutilating. So we're challenging you To a knock-down fight. We will murder you At Fed Hall tonight. Punch them where they'll feel like they're on fire, Kick them where their voices will go higher, Sock 'em, block 'em, shock 'em, knock 'em out cold. HEROES: Heroes don't get mad, And they are never bad, And heroes never grumble. Since we obey the rules, We must not fight you fools, We will not rumble. Oh, no... VILLAINS: Be at Fed Hall before eight 'Cause we will bring a bomb. And if you arrive there too late, We'll detonate it. But you won't show up 'Cause you have no guts. And we'll say that your Mothers all were sluts. HEROES: Punch them where they'll feel like they're on fire, Kick them where their voices will go higher, ALL: Sock 'em, block 'em, shock 'em, knock 'em out cold. [ Top ] [ Index ]
All I Want Is A Liberal Arts Degree
(All I Want Is A Room In Bloomsbury)CAP: A life of strife does not appeal to me at all. Do you agree at all? BO: I do CAP: The mere idea of being a world saviour is, So very dangerous. BO: That's true. CAP: I've got a rather safer sort of life in mind It's something more refined, to do. Would you care to hear about it dear? BO: Would I care to, can you doubt it dear? CAP: All I want is a lib-ral arts degree It's devoid of all prac-tical-ity I'll study literature And I'll understand Freud I'll be quite scholarly Though I may be unemployed. CAP: I will quote from Shakespeare To pass the time While I am waiting in The welfare line. I'll wait on tables Or clean out stables But oh how happy I'll be With my dear little liberal arts degree BO: All I want is a lib-ral arts degree I will major in Greek philosophy. I'll study the arcane The obscure and abstruse I'll treat with high distain Anything of any use. I will read all the works Of Socrates While my OSAP provides A life of ease. BOTH: We'll seek enjoyment In unemployment And contemplation when we Graduate with a liberal arts degree [ Top ] [ Index ]
We're Off To See The Fed Hall
(We're Off To See The Wizard)We're off to see the Fed Hall Called Allison's Palace and Grill It's going to be a heckuva place Or when it gets done it will! Despite the exorbitant cost there was We're happy to spend the cash because Because, Because, Because, Because, Because... INSULT: Why did we spend all that money? CARLA: To raise the prestige of the school. SLIME: To give us a new place to throw up. CPK: To satisfy the meglomaniacal cravings of one man! ALL: (KNOWINGLY) Oh, Right! Because anything that he wants, he does! We're off to see the Fed Hall Called Allison's Palace and Grill! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Superheroes Gonna Rumble Tonight
(Betty-Lou's Getting Out Tonight)ALL SUPERHEROES: Have you heard the news, it's all over the school, Those supervillains, they've broken the rule, Sent us a message, be here by eight, So now we're here, today is the date. They want to rumble, they want to fight! Superheroes are gonna rumble tonight! They got a message that Bessie won't pay, They've lost their funding, it's taken away. So now they're finished, they're out on the street, Holes in the pockets, nothing to eat. They want to rumble, they want to fight Superheroes gonna rumble tonight! Superheroes gonna rumble tonight! (Sing with us) Superheroes gonna rumble tonight! They is bad, Big Bessie got mad! Now rumour has it, that they're uptight. All the school is getting ready to fight, Superheroes gonna rumble tonight! Beat em up! Knock em down! Beat em up! Knock em down! They want to rumble, they want to fight! Superheroes gonna rumble tonight! Know what you're thinking, it comes in quite clear. Who's going to watch them, when we're stuck in here. Well don't you worry, we'll get them today, Beat them so bad, they won't move 'til May. They want to rumble, they want to fight! Superheroes gonna rumble tonight! [ Top ] [ Index ]
With Bat Like Tread
(With Cat Like Tread)VILLAINS: A disgruntled band of villains we, Who have no more a faculty, Are coming to set our anger free, And kill off all the good guys. FASS: Hush, Hush, I hear them, On the Fed Hall poaching, With ragged song, The villains are approaching. VILLAINS: We'll make you quail, we'll make you run, We'll zap with you with our disrupter gun, Then send you off to kingdom come And thus get all our funding. HEROES: They'll send us off to Kingdom Come! VILLAINS: We'll send you off to Kingdom Come! BOTH: We'll send you off to Kingdom Come! And thus will get the funding! FASS : They come in force, So let us hide, We'll get them once They are inside. VILLAINS: With Rat-like tread, Upon our foes we creep. To get our bread, And make their loved ones weep. No quarter give, We'll beat them black and blue. They won't live, When we are through! HEROES: To Kingdom Come, to Kingdom Come. VILLAINS: So wickedly the villains plot, So we can get what we have not. Come friends in villainy Let's steal children's candy, Wouldn't it be dandy? And with our evil deeds, Convince them of our funding needs. DARTH: Here's your Brass Knuckles And your Bo Stick The Croaking Device, To make the Frog man sick. Your special ray gun, Your dark glasses seize Take your Bolo, To bring them to their knees. HEROES: To Kingdom Come, VILLAINS: With Bat-like tread, HEROES: To Kingdom Come, VILLAINS: With Bat-like tread, VILLAINS: With Bat-like tread, About Fed Hall we glide. Searching all, The places heroes hide! We want to fight, For that's our evil plot. We'll kill to gain The funding they have got Come friends of villainy, Let's kick little puppies, Then be cruel to guppies. And with our evil deeds, Convince them of our funding needs. VILLAINS: With Bat-like tread, About Fed Hall we glide. Searching all, The places heroes hide! Come friends of villainy, Let's kick little puppies, Then be cruel to guppies. And with our evil deeds, Convince them of our funding needs. VILLAINS: With Bat-like tread, About Fed Hall we glide. Searching all, The places heroes hide! [ Top ] [ Index ]
We Are The Pros
(Anything Goes)GOOD GUYS: If those villains think that they're the best, Tell them to just compare the rest, 'Cause it shows, We are the pros. Villains acting reprehensible, Will find they're indefensible, We suppose. We are the pros. They'll find we're here tonight Cause it's clear tonight That good's good tonight As it should tonight And we will fight tonight To make it right tonight And the problem we will close So come on all you damn misanthropists We're gonna fight you and throw fists At your nose We are the pros! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Beating up the Twits
(Putting on the Ritz)BAD GUYS: If you're rude and superheroes you exclude Come out with us and join the blitz Beating up the twits. We use words those superheroes never heard We dug them out of our Berlitz Beating up the twits. We will beat and kick the superheroes. We will try to make them disappear, Oh! They'll be zeroes! Those good guys are gonna get a big surprise When we kill off Timmy Lipshitz, Beating up the twits. [ Top ] [ Index ]
That's How it Percolates
(Hokey Pokey)You'll flip the back door up You turn the tread mill down You fill the hop with beans and you bake them til they're brown You fill the tank with water and you heat it til it's hot That's how it percolates. (FASTER) You turn the grinder on You twist the filter tight You freeze it till it's froze, then you dry it till it's right You put it in a bucket and you leave it over night That's how it saturates. (FASTER STILL) You put the record on You turn the lights down low And then you tell it lies that you think it wants to know You push it, then you pull it, and you press the spot marked 'G' That's how it forni... (SHE FAINTS AND COLLAPSES) [ Top ] [ Index ]
Escape of Mary Anne
(I Am Sixteen, Going on Seventeen)LENNY: I once was a man Who backed down from fights In short, a great big zero But now I'm a man Who wears sexy tights A real live super-hero (my hero) I'm a good guy Do-what-I-should guy Villains don't cross my path Vicious young thugs And pushers of drugs Recoil from my deadly Math Totally unprepared are they For probabalistic chats Listless and weak and tired are they When I start reading Stats I'm a good guy, noble and daring Loyal and good and true I fight crime and have a good time and Wendy, it's all for you WENDY: I am Wendy Used to be trendy I know that I'm deceased Joints are all tighter Body is lighter Someone should call a priest Totally unconcerned am I With eating daily bread Lifeless and cold and stiff am I Because, you see, I'm dead Once I dreamed of fighting off bad guys Setting the whole world free You're a good guy, do-what-you-should guy Won't you live for me? [ Top ] [ Index ]
They're Milking Us Dry
(Jesus Must Die)TENOR: Now Cabbage Patch, this Rogers' jig is up! BASS: We're losing dough, to fill his coffee cup! BARITONE: You're right! This new caffeine machine Is a bitter pill to swallow SOPRANO: What then to do about Professor Rogers? Filler of filters, king of the drips TENOR: Those high-voltage grinders and platinum stir-sticks BARITONE: Money for evil lost each time he sips! SOPRANO: We cannot leave him to his own devices Let's get that bean-brain and grind him to meat! TENOR: If we don't stop him, the faculty's busted BASS: Heroes and villains, all out on the street! BARITONE: I see the Bovine Commission Shooting the bull and milking us now I see pasteurization Our udder destruction, because of one cow. ALL: One cow, one cow, a big one and how! BARITONE: Our udder destruction, because of a cow! ALL: One cow, one cow, a big one and how! SOPRANO: What then to do about Besse the Bovine? Milkable minister, queen of the herd TENOR: We're losing blood money 'cause cows prefer coffee BASS: Next we'll be shafted by beer-drinking birds! BARITONE: I see villany dying Left to go begging for what we can get We must sabotage Rogers With stuff that's so scary, you'll get all upset ALL: Upset, upset, you've seen nothing yet! BARITONE: With stuff that's so scary, you'll get all upset! ALL: Upset, upset, you've seen nothing Seen nothing, seen nothing yet! [ Top ] [ Index ]
I Don't Know How To End It
(I Don't Know How To Love Him)CAP: I don't know how to end it. I don't know what can harm me. I only want To kill myself, But Damn it all, I still survive No matter what I try, I just don't die! BO: I don't know how to be good I have always been so evil. When I was small I took a match And cremated my puppy dog And then I torched the cat. I was a brat. BO: Should I make a stand Fight for human rights? Should I be opposed To wearing sexy tights? It's hard to steer a proper course! What am I to do? What am I to do? CAP: I tried to use explosives To put an end to my existence. I took out half A city block, And gave myself a small headache, And slightly bruised my thigh. I just won't die! CAP: Tried to stab myself Barely felt a prick. I ate village food But I just got sick! I even have a Supergut And I'm still alive Yes I'm still alive BO: But if I learn to behave Maybe we can be together All I want Is Timothy And I will end, my life of crime Just to let him know BOTH: I want him/her so. I need him/her so. I love him/her so. [ Top ] [ Index ]
If I Only Had The Ring
(If I Only Had A Brain)GENERIC MAN: Oh, you could say I'm aspirin' To be a Man of Iron, It makes my heart go ping! Though my marks have dropped to zero, I could be a Super-hero If I only had the ring. If my failures turn to passes And I don't skip my classes, To have a drinking fling, I'll get credits for my courses And I'll battle evil forces, If I only get the ring. Oh, I could even fly From hilltops or from tree to tree Leaping from sea to shining sea, Oh, what a treat, that trip would be! I could utilize my powers, Go on for hours and hours, Just think the cheers I'd bring. I'll be rich, I'll be famous And you'll know what my name is When I finally get the ring! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Viking Just Wanna Have Fun
(Girls Just Wanna Have Fun)VAL: We set sail, we went out to sea In our Viking ship, just my accountants and me. We were so bored and so we sought out the sun Cause Vikings, they wanna have fun VIKINGS: Yo! Vikings just wanna have fun. VAL: Book-keeping, it wasn't for us, We work nine to five and then we get on the bus. We'd rather drink and we have more than just one Cause Vikings they wanna have fun VIKINGS: Yo! Vikings just wanna have ... VAL: Oh do you wanna know Why we're so? It's very simple, the worst of your fears Cause, Vikings are all engineers VIKINGS: Yes Vikings are all engineers. VAL: Late at night, when you are asleep We'll raid all your pastures and molest all your sheep. There'll be no virgin wool when we are all done Cause Vikings they wanna have fun VIKINGS: Yo! Vikings just wanna have ... VAL: Oh do you wanna know-oh-oh Why were so oh-oh-oh It's very simple, the worst of your fears Cause Vikings are all engineers VIKINGS: Yes Vikings are all engineers. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Three Commissioners
(Three Little Maids)ALL: Three Commissioners are we, Dumb as Bureaucrats can be, Practiced in Redundancy! Three Commissioners! TAMMY: We'll decide if you get the money! BROOKE: We might cut your faculty! TRUDY: We might cut your faculty! ALL: Three Commissioners ALL: Three Commisssioners undaunted By the fact that we're not wanted We control what funds are granted! Three Commissioners! ALL: Three Commissioners! TAMMY: Our leader's Bessie Seventonne! (ASIDE) BROOKE: Because she's the largest one! (ASIDE) TRUDY: Not to mention the most dumb! (ASIDE) ALL: Three Commissioners! TAMMY: From ten little schools take funds away! BROOKE: Six survive but we know they TRUDY: Can't survive very long this way ALL: If we take their funds! ALL: Three Commissioners uncaring Of the reports you're preparing! Of the sexy tights you're wearing! Three Commissioners! ALL: Three Commissioners! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Bessie's Gone
(For The Longest Time)ALL: Oh, oh, oh, oh, Now that Bessie's Gone Oh, oh, oh, oh, Now that Bessie's gone. They were going to take away our funds For the plans of Bessie Seventonne And then we just knew We decided what we must do We're very happy now that Bessie's gone They tried to protect their vicious brood By mutating into Village food We made our mind up We showed them how they would wind up We're very happy now that Bessie's gone Oh, oh, oh, oh, Now that Bessie's Gone Oh, oh, oh, oh, Now that Bessie's gone Good and evil work together now After knocking off that ugly cow No lack of money Everything is milk and honey We're very happy now that Bessie's gone Funding will concern us no more We're all in the black We've settled the score Now we'll work together as one We'll work as a team And no more will we make war BO: I have tried to think of what was right I tried to be good with all my might But now it's over We'll live in a land of clover I'm very happy now that Bessie's gone CAP: Being good is so very nice I like being good We are men not mice Maybe I can do nothing wrong But now I have you And it's more than I hoped for B & C: We'll hold on together to the end No matter what's coming round the bend We'll take our chances We discovered what romance is We'll work together now that Bessie's gone ALL: ( FADING) Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh... [ Top ] [ Index ]
Almost Heaven, Purgatory
(Country Roads)Almost Heaven, Purgatory Day of judgement, time to say they're sorry Caught in limbo What will be their fate? Will they go to heaven? Will they get a date? Oh Saint Pete, please decide Where it is, we'll reside Up in Heaven, down in Hades Oh Saint Pete, please decide Will I need my catechism? Do they practice sadomasochism? Up in heaven, Is it really nice? Tell us, where should they go? We need some advice. Oh Saint Pete, please decide Where it is, we'll reside Up in Heaven, down in Hades Oh Saint Pete, please decide. [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Judgement
(The Love Boat)Death, exciting and new Don't get bored, He'll be judging you And death Life's final reward It's the end, there's no more of you The judgement Saint Peter is seeing what you have done The judgement Promises places for everyone Get rid of depression Give afterlife half a chance And death won't hurt any more Even hell is fun, when you know the score It's death Welcome aboard You're dead! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Judgement Day
(Jamaica Farewell)ANGELS: Back on Earth, Where we had our birth, We were helping little ladies all the time. Our thoughts were good, We did what we should, And every hour was given to fighting crime. (And it's) Sad to say we've passed away. Won't be back 'till judgement day. We had to die, But since we never lie, We've gone to join the flying angels in the sky. DEVILS: Back on Earth, Where we had our birth, We were mean and nasty buggers all the time. Our plots were bad, And the cops were mad, 'Cause we were supervillains and lords of crime. (And it's) Sad to say we've passed away. Won't be back 'till judgement day. We've gone to hell, The place where sinners yell, We see the brimstone burning bright where Satan fell. [ Top ] [ Index ]
FASS!
(FAME!)LUCIFER: Villains, come to me, And tell me what you see (ha ha) You ain't seen the worst of it yet, Eternal torment, no respite from the pain. Come, no time to lose And tell me what torture you choose! I'll make you scream, yes, I'll make you pay! 'Til the final Judgement Day. BOVINES: Hell! DEVILS: We're going there for forever! We're gonna burn, bake, and fry! BOVINES: My! DEVILS: We knew we had all this coming, Surely we're too young to die! BOVINES: Hell! DEVILS: We only tried to enjoy life, By taking stuff we couldn't buy. BOVINES: Hell! DEVILS: We tested all pleasures illicit, Nothing that we wouldn't try! BOVINES: Bake, Burn, Fry! Bake, Burn, Fry! Bake, Burn, Fry! ST. PETE: Heroes, over here, For soon before God you'll appear. Your reward for doing things right, Staying clean, brushing teeth every night, every night And now you'll take wing Into the realm where Angels sing! You can all leave, go on, fly away. Enjoy yourselves until Judgement Day. BOVINES: Heaven! HEROES: We're going there for forever! We're going to learn how to fly! BOVINES:. High! BO & CAP: And we'll always be together Because I/you gave good a try. BOVINES: Heaven! HEROES: We only tried to protect life, To help normal folks hurt by crime. BOVINES: Heaven! HEROES: Looks like we did all the right stuff We'll be up here for all time! BOVINES: For all time! For all time! For all time! FASS! ALL: The show is all but through And you've seen nothing new Despite our efforts, we'll take the blame The writers thwart us, the ending is always the same So go back where you've been And tell all your friends what you've seen When they hear just how you complain They'll come to see us, and we'll have a full house again. FASS!! ALL: Some of the jokes were from last year. And they'll be back never fear! BOVINES: FASS! ALL: So now we're off to our party! We'll see you again in a year! BOVINES: FASS! ALL: The story won't be very different. We'll still get the world in a fix. BOVINES: FASS! ALL: The show is now over for this year. It's goodbye until eighty-six! Eighty-six! Eighty-six! Eighty-six! Eighty-six! Eighty-six! Eighty-six! Eighty-six! Eighty-six! FASS!!!!!! [ Top ] [ Index ]