The Opening Song(s)
(Amazing Grace, Swing Low Sweet Chariot, Club Med)A blazing place to flee the might Of winter's ice and snow A comic respite From mid-terms tonight Another Damned FASS Show! All ye who watch, abandon hope Condemned to undergo The same old folks The same tired jokes Another Damned FASS Show! Sing slow, and tarry a bit Charon's gonna ferry me home Judas Iscariot's Gonna be my chaperone Lights up, Kerry, lights up! Bring the house to half and Then they'll start to laugh! It's FASS eighty-nine, eighty-nine! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Glamourous Job
(Summer Nights)HERO BLONDE: Downing whiskey all in one gulp DUMB BLONDE: Beating thugs into a pulp HERO BLONDE: Solving cases against all odds DUMB BLONDE: Slapping faces of sexy broads BOTH: Violence makes a lot of sense Cause it's a glamourous job GREASERS AND BOBBYSOXERS: A-well-a-well-a-well-a-hmm Tell me more, tell me more Tell me what did you see Tell me more, tell me more Realistically SOXERS: Uh-huh Uh-huh Uh-huh GREASERS: Mm-huh Mm-huh Mm-huh (REPEAT THROUGHOUT NEXT VERSE) DUMB BLONDE: My old car can win Grand Prix races HERO BLONDE: I pick up gorgeous women on cases DUMB BLONDE: I sleep around - a virgin I ain't HERO BLONDE: Still I want to marry a saint BOTH: Easy sex brings in the checks Cause it's a glamourous job GREASERS AND BOBBYSOXERS: A-well-a-well-a-well-a-hmm Tell me more, tell me more Did you witness the crime Tell me more, tell me more Please stop wasting our time HERO BLONDE: Dave and Maddie keep bugging each other DUMB BLONDE: Each Simon is stuck on his brother HERO BLONDE: Tubbs' and Crockett's girlfriends get killed DUMB BLONDE: Thomas Magnum's a wimp with a build BOTH: I could be a star on TV Cause it's a glamourous job BOBBYSOXERS: Tell me more, tell me more [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Brief Song
(Top Hat)I've got a new apartment, Got a place to live now, When the rent is paid, I'm gonna fix it up nice, Gonna buy some fresh paint, And a ton of Raid. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Oskar Warner Polka Song
(Oscar Meyer Weiner Song)I want to dance an Oskar Warner polka His polkas are the only dance for me For when I dance an Oskar Warner polka A fat girl doesn't step upon my feet. [ Top ] [ Index ]
When Will I Get Laid
(When Will I Be Loved)I've been dated Been frustrated When will I get laid? I've been uptight Stood up on prom night When will I get laid? When I find me a new girl That I want in bed She tells me I've got no class Was it something I said? I've been all alone Cut off on the phone When will I get laid? Someday I'll get a chance I can hardly wait To go running around the basepaths And slide into home plate I don't fog up my car No luck at the singles bar When will I get laid Tell me -- when will I get laid? [ Top ] [ Index ]
Dough, Ray, Me
(Doh, Re, Mi)BRUTUS: Let's start with Original Sinning, The very best place to start. When we first saw Eden there were Adam and Eve. Their first two sins were: SEVERIAN: Lust and Greed? BRUTUS: Greed and Lust. The first two sins are Greed and Lust. Greed and Lust. Greed Lust Pride Anger Envy Sloth Gluttony (MR. MUSIC, PLEASE) When you know what key it's in, You can sing each Deadly Sin. (STOMPING ON EACH KEY AND INDICATING THAT THE SIN IS THAT OF THE KEY'S INHABITANT) Dough, or cash, the sin of greed, Ray, a man to lust about, Me, myself, the sin of pride, Fu--, an angry word to shout. So much envy I can see, Lazy is a word for sloth, Tea, a drink with gluttony, And that brings us back to dough, or greed or ... (REPEATED AS IN DOH MI MI, MI SOH SOH...) KEYS: Greed and Lust, Anger Pride, Envy Sloth, Gluttony [ Top ] [ Index ]
Peanut Gall'ry
(Playground in my Mind)SCHULZ: When I sit down at my stand And I take my pen in hand I close my eyes and soon I find A Peanut Gall'ry in my mind Where the children laugh And the children play, And they sing a song all day-ay-ay-ay. SCHROEDER: My name is Schroeder. I play piano. I played Beethoven when I was two. When I get older, I'll spike my hair green. (Play) Ramones and Motley Crue. SCHULZ: Comic strips I draw each day Showcase a moral play. Charlie Brown will never win The kind of dough Snoopy rakes in. Yet the children laugh, And the children play, And they sing a song all day-ay-ay. LUCY: My name is Lucy. When we get married We'll have a mansion in Malibu. I'm gonna get me some alimony. That's what I'm gonna do. SCHULZ: Living in a world that I made up blind. Happiness is warm puppies and residuals signed. See all the little Peanuts. See how they prosper me in the bank vaults they have lined. Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-... [ Top ] [ Index ]
Peanut Gall'ry
(Reprise)When I sit down at my stand And I take my pen in hand I close my eyes and soon I find A Peanut Gall'ry in my mind. Where the children laugh And the children play And they sing a song all day-ay-ay-ay... [ Top ] [ Index ]
Baseball On His Mind
(Gentle On My Mind)It's knowing that the slightest hint of romance makes this baseball player balk, That makes me wish that I could find the strength to say "I'm out of here" and walk. For though he's pitcher perfect, And at ball games he's a winner, To romance, love, and passion he is blind. Which means that I'm the loser. So, I guess I'll hit the showers, 'Cause he's got only baseball on his mind. One evening, I was planning a seduction, so I asked him to my place. I should have known I'd never even have a chance To make it to first base. I lit a dozen candles and slipped off to the bedroom, And came back nearly naked just to find, Him sitting at the TV, watching reruns of the Blue Jays, 'Cause he's got only baseball on his mind. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend
(Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend)When I want a guy I drop by at the ballpark ('Cause) diamonds are a girl's best friend. (Oh,) I go for a Joe (With) bats 'n balls as his hallmark Oh, diamonds are a girl's best friend! I've often squealed As they do it on the field And there's a pitcher with a curve I recommend! I've never yet been bitter With a designated hitter (Well,) diamonds are a girl's best friend! (REPRISE FOR BIG FINISH) So, believe me, you'll say "Thank-ee!" For hanky-panky with a Yankee! Diamonds are a girl's best friend! [ Top ] [ Index ]
That's A Story
(That's Amore)When Sean Penn hits a guy And he blackens his eye That's a story; When a Federal MP Gets a junket for free That's a story. When a gent in the government Proves incompetent and he must repent His dishonour When a dude publishes some rude Monthlies that include photos in the nude Of Madonna (He's a goner!) Any news about Cher Anytime anywhere That's a story Liz's woes, UFOs, Bigfoot's toes, ELVIS PRESLEY ALIVE! If it's scandalous, maudlin, Sensational, kinky, or gory, We don't care if it's true, If it sells, it will do, It's a story! [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Maple Spangled Baseball Boogie
(Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy)Oh say baby can you see it by dawn's early light What so proudly we are hailing in the grey twilight And by the rocket's bright red glare With bombs a'burstin' above You know our flag was still there In the home o' the brave And the land o' the brave Is the starry spangled banner waving high over me With hearts aglow we love the true north strong and free And with patriotic fervor stand on guard for thee You are our home and native land So we'll sing -- Oh Canada We are but yours to command So please God keep our land Free and glorious It's the maple leaf forever waving high over us. A-root a-root A-roodeleyoot-toot-toot Take me out to the ball game Where we'll be chantin' Root for the home team, you know it's a shame If we can't win A-and buy me some peanuts and some crackerjack 'Cause you know that I don't care whether we ever get back And it's one, two, three strikes And you're out at the old ball game! A-root, a-root A-roodeleyoot-toot Toot toot Take me out to the game Root for the team, you know it's a shame If we, whoa, can't win Whoa-oh if we don't get back then it's all the same And it's one, two, three strikes You're out at the old ball game! [ Top ] [ Index ]
To Hell And Back, Just For You
(Put A Little Love In Your Heart)That's it for '89 Had a hell of a time Giving the devil his due! Joking at hell's expense To thrill our audience To Hell and back just for you! Life is swell At U. of Waterloo Life is hell At U. of Waterloo We want To be At U. Of T.! Confronted omniscience With damned impertinence Speak of the devil...we do! Then in our quest for grins, Tried all the deadly sins To Hell and back just for you! Life is grand At U. of Waterloo Life is bland At U. of Waterloo We could Have been At Brock Or Queen's! (Good)bye to rehearsal noise Adieu to Satan's choice That's it for learning our lines Aloha to dev'lish jokes Auf wiedersehn, dear folks Au revoir FASS '89. Guess we're stuck At U. of Waterloo Out of luck At U. of Waterloo But we Won't cry. It's not De Vrie! [ Top ] [ Index ]