Opening Song
(On Broadway)They say the future's lookin' bright on T.V. [On T.V.] It's the year that FASS goes on the air We've made a pilot episode That's gonna leave "The Simpsons" cold We're guaranteed a healthy Nielson share They say the crew is something else on T.V. [On T.V.] I could sit and watch them work all night It's okay, I've got the time Cos all I've got is one short line But at least that line is mine tonight They say that FASS won't last too long on T.V. [On T.V.] Catch a Safety Van, "Go Home!" they tell me But that ain't right, I know they're wrong We'll last longer than the opening song And we won't quit till we're all stars on T.V. It won't be long till we're all stars on T.V. [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Little TV Station
(A Lotta Locomotion)ALL: A little TV station, that's what we are Though we may be tiny, we are going far From our dedication, it is plain to see This TV station is the place to be A little TV station that muddles through While serving students at UW For more information, well now lend an ear And we will tell you what we do 'round here CARLA: I'm Carla Carlson, it's me who runs this place As the station manager, the problems I must face From discipline to censorship They're driving me insane But just when I've got 'em solved Then along comes Blaine BLAINE: I'm Blaine N. Simple, you can call me sir I will be top dog someday, of that you can be sure A little TV station's a stepping stone On the way to runnin' A station of my own SAM: I'm Mr. Castle, my friends call me Sam For all intents and purposes I'm Carla's right hand man It's very nice to meet you But it's time for me to go I'm not supposed to be here till later in the show ALL: A little TV station with its own shows A shoestring budget keeps us on our toes We've an obligation to provide to you High qual'ty shows we can't afford to do A little TV station that needs a hand Why don't you come and join our merry band A little TV station is the place to be Let's get the writers writing Let's check the sound and lighting Don't you find this exciting? MIKE: This exciting? It's almost fright'ning ALL: This TV station is the place for me [ Top ] [ Index ]
I Can See It Now
(If My Friends Could See Me Now)Now, Dr. Young, he says to me He'll get rid of Carla and the new boss I'll be My dream come true My fantasy I will make this little TV station all it can be Oh, I can see it now When this whole station's mine The crew will have to listen and they'll toe the line When my new rules of conduct go in effect They'll have to give me long-awaited respect And there'll be changes made To each and ev'ry show While the crew's escapades Well, they will have to go I will have my dream come true UWTV If the Provost's deal goes through Oh, I can see it now UWTV Will be A-number one, so look out NBC We'll leave The Cosby Show behind in the dust With all the first-rate sponsors switchin' to us So we'll have ratings high And we'll have profits large The only reason why Is they put me in charge I will have my dream come true UWTV If the Provost's deal goes through [ Top ] [ Index ]
At CKMS
(You Can't Hurry Love)I need someone On the air at nine I need to find, find someone to fill time So, Bernie, please Join CKMS You can do your own show Be the hit of the airwaves Superstar of radio And CKMS No, we're not on TV Just listen, imagine What you get ain't what you see Sometimes I feel I'm in this war alone UWTV, they must be overthrown Right now, the only thing that keeps us hangin' on Is our valiant staff but they're almost gone And remember that at CKMS We are all volunteers We'll take artsies and mathies Even a few engineers And CKMS We have no hit parade Cuz the hotter the single The fewer times that it is played And now break If TV Leaves you queasy Then consider doin' a lot less viewin' Let a soft voice talk to you awhile Ninety-four point five The FM dial We'll keep fighting Ooh, until the day That TV stations go away And remember that At CKMS Where the disk jockeys freeze We need no advertising Cuz we got your student fees And CKMS Where the lesbians leap An alternative station With no audience to keep [ Top ] [ Index ]
Secret Cajun Men
(Secret Agent Man)Seven chefs who lead a life of cooking They fight crime when no one else is looking Their dishes would dismay the Galloping Gourmet Avoid the coq au vin with fries tomorrow Secret Cajun Men! Secret Cajun Men! They're seven cooks in number, crimefighting is their game Beware the pickled wieners they prepare There's been a tiny botulism scare If you let just one sip, of their sauces past your lips Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow Secret Cajun Men! Secret Cajun Men! Their breadsticks taste like lumber, their entrees cause ptomaine And when they're finished serving Village slime They turn their recipes to fighting crime Each villain they defeat, they wish bon appetit He'll eat humble pie for lunch tomorrow Seven Cajun Men! Seven Cajun Men! If they add one more member, they'll have to change their name [ Top ] [ Index ]
Software in One Night
(Music of the Night)Night time shortens, tightens compilation Hacks all stir and go to their workstation All the normal users sign off the computers Quickly, deftly we begin our writing But first we turn off all fluorescent lighting Feed your face obscene - ly with food from a machine Turn your thoughts away from health or friends and write A thousand lines of software in one night. Stick with me and I'll teach you all you need to know Every piece of arcane computer lore Like what those stools in the I-C-R are for... And you'll live on the Math Building's third floor... Software's, how I make the ladies love me (I) Write it, sell it, make a lot of money I snobbishly condemn anything from I-B-M. If it's Unix then I know it must be right. For Unix was created late at night. You I know are doubtful of my might. Until you check your Visa bills tonight. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Carla, Won't You Lighten Up?
(Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da)Chief, I see the grim despair upon your face And I see the furrow in your brow. Think of all the things you like about this place And try to find the silver lining in this cloud. Just sit back, and relax, don't get fed up. This is my advice to you. Don't lose hope, you can cope, keep your head up. Carla, don't you be so blue. Life is far too long to be a pessimist. Got to put that glint back in your eyes. Maybe you should contact your optometrist And try some rose coloured glasses on for size. When you're down, don't you frown, wait a while, Chief. Things are gonna brighten up. Gloom and doom leave no room for a smile, Chief. Carla, won't you lighten up? And you can be an optimist like me. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Zulu Dawn
(Delta Dawn)Zulu Dawn What's that warpaint you have on? Have you got a pointed spear to throw at me? And did I hear you say you'd be razing the fort today To reclaim all your tribal property? [ Top ] [ Index ]
I'm Quitting
(Laverne And Shirley Theme)This is your big chance, so take it. I give up my claim, so stake it. I'm gonna walk away from UWTV. No one's gonna hold you back, Blaine. I can't take the endless back pain. You're free to make a mess of UWTV. I have lost the will to try. Working with you is impossible. That's why, there's no stopping me. I'm gonna do it! I was feeling tired and older. Now the weight is off my shoulders. Hope you enjoy your little coup. And so it's fitting, I'm quitting. I don't care what you do. Because I'm splitting, I'm quitting, I've seen the last of you. Cause I am through! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Election
(Greased Lightning)YOUNG: This gal can be Diplomatic Democratic Bureaucratic Why she could be president AUDREY: They say the Fed Pres is selected by democracy BLAINE: Keep talking, oh, keep talking AUDREY: I say that is bullshit, nothing but hypocrisy BLAINE: She'll get elected; she'll kill to get elected AUDREY: Take a little doubletalk Add a lotta poppycock And to losers' chagrin That's the way I like to win Elections OTHERS: Go, go, go, ... AUDREY: Lying, cheating, stealing, and some dirty tricks OTHERS: Election, Fed Election AUDREY: That's what I call creative use of politics OTHERS: Election, Fed Election AUDREY: I'm gonna sin I'm gonna win Fed Election AUDREY: We've got Blaine and me and Iona Lott in league Add Dr. Donny Young and, brother, you've got intrigue All together we conspire Just to get what we desire And we desire cash So we're gonna have to trash Elections OTHERS: Go, go, go ... AUDREY: Well, if my three oponents all get disqualified OTHERS: Election, Fed Election AUDREY: The students are left with only one way to decide OTHERS: Election, Fed Election AUDREY: I'll be supreme And that'll mean Fed Election [ Top ] [ Index ]
Blaine, You're A Failure
(Beauty School Dropout)It isn't hard to see UWTV Has come to a complete and grinding halt. The viewers have all fled, now. Your staff all want you dead, now. And Blaine, I'm here to tell you it's your fault. Blaine, you're a failure. Oh, you just haven't got a clue. Now I'll detail your Many deficiencies to you. Well, you've made your people mis'rable, your leadership is lacking And you wouldn't last ten minutes here without the Provost's backing. You're in a crunch, Blaine. Oh, you're a walking sacrifice. So let's do lunch, Blaine And I will give you some advice If you follow my agenda, you will soon be startin' off You'll be a bigger name than Brandon Tartikoff Ask me no questions And I will salvage your career. Take my suggestions Or you'll be out on your ear. Produce a huge spectacular, a live extravaganza And it should be a western just like Gunsmoke or Bonanza Have a nice day, Blaine, I hope your ratings hit the sky. Wish I could stay, Blaine, But I have really gotta fly. And by the way, these simple small-time problems just won't do So in the future, please don't call us, we'll call you. [ Top ] [ Index ]
I Don't Want A Mech Eng Man
(Only The Good Die Young)Mech Engineering is not what it seems There's more to its structure than girders and beams Like all-nighter parties and boat-racing teams And a healthy supply of men They've been raising enrolment of women for years It brings gender equity to engineers And perpetuates couples with matching careers But they took away all the fun Cause Mech men are just too dumb I'll get a nice iron ring and a party after graduation I want to find a beau With a hand to hold And Bernie I know that this is more than just infatuation It should be plain to see I want a boyfriend from Biology Now come on Bernie, don't make me wait You scientist types can be fun on a date But sooner or later you'll need a good mate And I could be your biggest fan Cause I don't want a Mech Eng man [ Top ] [ Index ]
Nigel Rathbone's Fed Election Plan
(Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)JEFF: It was fifteen years ago last term Nigel found another way to learn He descended 'neath the campus floor To where no man had gone before Beneath the university He found a brand new family The intelligent bipedal rabbit clan ALL: It's Nigel Rathbone's Fed Election Plan That's where we must direct our toil The intelligent bipedal rabbit clan Can't let a single ballot spoil Nigel Rathbone is in, Nigel Rathbone must win [With] Nigel Rathbone's Fed Election Plan NIGEL: It's really good to be here I'd love to run for you You're such a strapping voting bloc I think you'd make good breeding stock KIRBY: (He'd love to bring you home) AKBAR: I don't really want to interrupt But I think you all should listen up Need to form a campaign strategy That gives Nigel some sincerity Who cares if he is one brick short? He can win with natural charm And Nigel Rathbone's Fed Election Plan ALL: Nigel's Plan! [ Top ] [ Index ]
It's Live
(Rawhide)Keep movin', movin', movin' Though we're disapprovin' Get the sets in place to, go live Don't try to understand it Cos Blaine's the one who planned it Complete with laugh track on the side There's been a slight omission Of budget, drive, and vision But Blaine's convinced the show must, air live Move the flat! Set the props! Set the props! Move the flat! Move the flat! Set the props! It's live! Check the sound! Clear the set! Clear the set! Check the sound! Check the sound! Clear the set! We're live! Rollin', rollin', rollin' Though the plot is stolen Start the cam'ras rollin', it's live If Blaine's show gets high ratin's He'll keep the TV station But we'll make sure things go awry We'll cause such a commotion Blaine will get a quick demotion He'll rue the day he planned to, go live [ Top ] [ Index ]
Food Services Green Campaign
(Original Music by Jack Cooper)ELMER: Lately our environment's been yucky VERA: If we live till Armageddon we'll be lucky DAWN: Here at Food Services we're all gonna pitch in MATT: To save the world with just our humble kitchen ALL: Shoo-bee-doo-wop Scoo-bee-doo-bee-doo-be-dee Shoo-bee-doo-wop Scoo-bee-doo-bee-doo-be-dee Shoo-bee-doo-wop Scoo-bee-doo-bee-doo-be-dee Shoo-bee-doo-wop Scoo-bee-doo-bee-doo-be-dee ELMER: We've searched high and low, from Accounting to Zoology To serve you up food that is nice to our ecology Each and every meal Our mystery meat won't arrive with an apology 'Cause we get it fresh from the test lab of psychology Before it starts to congeal ALL: 'Cause we're really keen to keep UW clean We're gonna turn you green DAWN: We won't dispose of food that's decomposed We recycle each and every essential food group Our budgie wings and onion rings And greasy, grimy, grungy things Will all go in tomorrow's soup ELMER: You may wonder why Our food always stinks and our attitude is awful Why we ruin every hamburger, salad and falafel The answer is quite clear The less you consume, the more food we'll be a-stretching So we'll always make sure that our lunch will leave you retching Y'all come back now, you hear ALL: 'Cause we're really keen to keep UW clean We're gonna turn you green 'Cause we're really keen to keep UW clean We're gonna turn you green 'Cause we're really keen to keep UW clean We're gonna turn you green [ Top ] [ Index ]
Intelligent Bipedal Rabbit Clan
(Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)The Intelligent Bipedal Rabbit Clan Is tired of living underground. The Intelligent Bipedal Rabbit Clan, We want to turn our lives around. Want an education! Run the Federation! Bunny hop inside the Safety Van. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Closing Song
(TV Theme Medley)(Cheers Theme) Making your way Though exams today Takes everything you've got. Taking a break From all your studies Sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you rather be on stage? So come and join the show Where you can have a silly name And the jokes are all the same You wanna be where you can see People are really strange You wanna have a good time for a change (Greatest American Hero theme) Look at what's happened to me I learned every line on each page Suddenly I'm getting laughs and applause Just for appearing on stage Believe it or not I'm acting in FASS I never thought I could have such fun I don't care if I fail or I pass Look what I've done I'm acting in FASS '91 Under the heat of the stage light My makeup is starting to melt I gotta get out of the clothes that I'm in 'Cause my costume is leaving a welt Believe it or not I'm acting in FASS I never thought I could have such fun I just don't care if I fail or I pass Look what I've done I'm acting in FASS '91 (Beverly Hillbillies theme) So now's the time to say goodbye From FASS to you my friend And so we'd like to thank you all For stayin' till the end Hope we'll see you all in '92, Humanities To watch us havin fun with our theatricalities (SPOKEN) FASS, that is Silly songs Same old jokes Y'all come back now -- hear [ Top ] [ Index ]