On The Big Screen
(Under The Sea)De kitchen is always cleaner When all of de house is fake De banter is always keener When you get a second take De clothes, dey are more revealing De villains, dey have more class Old movies are so appealing Dey're being ripped off by FASS On de big screen, on de big screen Scenery's pretty, small talk is witty People are lean In de real world, dey fuss and fret But on de screen dey never sweat No one got pimples, life is so simple On de big screen. Up dere all de folks are happy Dey kiss and dey shoot de gun Down here life is pretty crappy We never have any fun But you'll get a happy ending You'll leave de show feeling good We know dat it's condescending So what? Dis is Hollywood. On de big screen, on de big screen Even de fools, dey got swimming pools All blue with chlorine And you can always park your car Even on de road to Zanzibar Houses are castles! No one got hassles, On de big screen. Play it again, you know de one, Sam And frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn Let's put on a show in father's garage Kid, here's looking at you Me Tarzan, you Jane, Me sing in the rain Me King Kong, Me Shane, Me Citizen Kane Me Part de Red Sea, Me kill Janet Leigh You and your little dog too! On de big screen, on de big screen Everybody smokes but nobody croaks From nicotine And even if de script says dat you're doomed Even as you die you'll be well-groomed Death is photogenic, Everything is scenic! On de big screen Budgets are immense and everyone can fence On de big screen You can find romance and everyone can dance Every day is spring and everyone can sing Cars get into wrecks and everyone has sex On de big screen! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Swing An Epee
(Swing On A Star)MANDY: Would you like to swing an epee While engaged in light repartee Hear your enemies cry, "Touche!" Or would you rather use a foil? BUFFY: Now a foil is a fencing sword Whose hand guard is flat It's great when you want to kill a rat SHIRL: The blade cross-section is rectangu-lair And soon I'll thrust it through your derriere So when this sword severs through a major vein ALL: You'll bellow, "Curses, foiled again!" [ Top ] [ Index ]
Three Lonely Maids From Leeds
(Three Little Maids From School)ALL: Three lonely maids from Leeds are we Pretty but unwed as you see Due to our uncles senility Three lonely maids from Leeds. MARY: First little maid now is passion's slave MARTHA: Second little maid now does romance crave REGGIE: Third little maid sure could use a shave ALL: Three lonely maids from Leeds M&M: Two lonely maids with voices airy REGGIE: One with a fault pituitary M&M: Two of them pleased to finally marry Two wedded maids from Leeds REGGIE: One lonely maid from Leeds. [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Ballad Of The Baseball Game
(The Gilligan's Island Theme)The Americans knew baseball well The Mounties, not at all They went to bat with hockey sticks With pucks instead of balls The Yanks were a mighty hitting team A brave Atlanta band But when it came to making outs The Mounties got their man They always got their man The Mountie team was down by three As inning nine rolled 'round They looked up to the Canadian flag But it hung upside down Yanks hung it upside down Riled up by this, they filled the sacks Big Dan hit one a mile The Mounties won Their skipper cheered The millionaire lost his wife She professed her love, married Dan Here's to Canada's style. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Murder She Sang
(Ascot Gavotte)Oh! The detective inspector's here, And the suspects we suspect are here, At this serious, totally mysterious Solving of a murder here tonight. In the hallway all our learned visitors, Are practising to deceive, At this wondrous, (en)lightening and thunderous Solving of a mystery Christmas Eve. Just who are these Guilty parties? Will it go well, On this very merry Noel? Any minute now, if they hear their cue, They'll come streaming in proclaiming innocence -- Oh Look! It's quarter to! Well it looks as if our job is finished, We have cleaned everything in sight, For this fervent, candidly observant, Solving of a mystery here tonight. A suspicious, thoroughly auspicious, Solving of a murder mystery. [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Gangster's Life
(A Policeman's Lot)DA BOSS: When society's condemning all your dealings MUSCLES: All your dealings DA BOSS: It's natural you'll feel a little stressed MUSCLES: Little stressed DA BOSS: And since no-one seems to care about our feelings MUSCLES: We've got feelings DA BOSS: You'll understand if we're a bit depressed MUSCLES: We're depressed DA BOSS: Oh sure, the job has some redeeming features MUSCLES: Some good features DA BOSS: We get to wear nice suits and pack a gun MUSCLES: Pack a gun DA BOSS: But when you're shunned by every living creature MUSCLES: Every creature DA BOSS: A gangster's life is not a lot of fun ALL: Oh! Though we get to wear nice suits and pack a gun, pack a gun A gangster's life is not a lot of fun, lot of fun At the end of day when all our crime is done, crime is done A gangster's life is not a lot of fun, lot of fun [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Oscar Show
(Hooray For Hollywood)This is the Oscar Show That boring, yawning, snoring Oscar Show Where each award is really quite exciting 'Til they're inviting Someone to give us a speech To thank his mother, His sis' and brother, And any other at his beseech Here at the Oscar Show It's never over 'til there ain't no mo' So if by chance you think that this is boring Please hold your snoring You'll wake your neighbour, you know! And if this lasts too long We'll need a different song To start the Oscar Show! And if this song is dumb The best is yet to come! Let's start the Oscar Show! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Women And Men
(Enid)ALL: Women and men will never know each other anyway. Women and men will never know each other anyway. LIZZY: It took me twelve years to know we were different LANCE: It took me two more to figure out how, wo-wo SAPPHO: The opposite sex could scare me just breathing SID: And I could get horny with one glimpse of your eyebrow ALL: Women and men will never know each other anyway Women and men will never know each other anyway Always afraid to ever show each other anyway. Women and men will never know each other anyway BUTCH: There were times I wanted to love you PLECTRUM: And there were times that maybe I did, wo-wo SAPPHO: But when I was finally ordered to kill you I just couldn't pull the trigger, Sid. MEN: Now it's not fair to say we're just victims of our culture WOMEN: And it's not fair to say that there never were any good times MEN: But maybe it's fair to say that we've usually acted like morons WOMEN: We were quick to dismiss you too and we liked to insult your pride And demean it ALL: We were never good to you. WOMEN: We will let you go, we won't shoot you all dead MEN: We will die for you, lie for you, make an alibi for you WOMEN: We will cook your favourite foods We won't get in cranky moods MEN: We'll do everything for you But put the seat down ALL: Women and men will never know each other anyway Women and men will never know each other anyway [ Top ] [ Index ]
Jerusalem
(New York New York)Start filling the pews, It's opening day, I'll set a good example in Jerusalem Those Wandering Jews With no place to pray, Now have a brand new temple in Jerusalem I think you'll find that My performance is so unique, You'll watch it three shows a day, Six days a week! You cannot refuse, You have to obey, You are My captive audience, Jerusalem. You're happy to applaud, Because I am your God, So take your cue, Jerusalem! (GOD REMOVES ROBE TO REVEAL A TUXEDO. PERHAPS THE HEAVENS DELIVER HIM A TOP HAT AND CANE) I want to revel in the glory that stardom earns, I know my soft-shoe is great, Voice is superb, I'm even taller than Mister George Burns! Your lousy reviews, Won't send me away. I'm here for all eternity, Jerusalem. If you don't like My show, Remember Jericho, And hit the bricks, Jerusalem! [ Top ] [ Index ]
If We Had A Decent Ending
(If I Had A Million Dollars)If we had terrific actors, If we had terrific actors, We'd put on a play, A musical comedy play. If we had terrific writers, If we had terrific writers, We'd have funny things to say, A knock-knock joke or maybe a riddle. If we had terrific techies, If we had terrific techies, We'd have working props, A nice reliable spinning wheel. If we had a decent budget, We'd do a show. If we had some decent dialogue, Maybe something written by the Bard. If we had some decent punchlines, Witty jokes to make you laugh real hard. If we had a decent ending, Maybe then we'd know the show was done. SPOKEN: You mean it's over? Not yet there's still 4 performances left to go. It's been a lot of fun though. Do we get a party after the show? You bet. Cool. Did you know you've had something big and green stuck between your teeth all show? If we had the best director, If we had the best director, We'd know all our lines, Verbatim, word for word, that's cool. If we had the best producer, If we had the best producer, We'd fill up the house, Every prof and student at this school. If we had the best musicians, If we had the best musicians, They'd all play on key, And soft enough you could hear us sing. If we had a few good parties, We'd do a show. But we don't have any budget, No we don't have any budget. And we don't have any standards, No we don't have any standards. So we didn't do a show-ow-ow, We did FASS. [ Top ] [ Index ]