A Play Like FASS
(A Friend Like Me)Single and Sexy gave us troubled frosh, And then Twelfth Night did give us men in tights. But Waterloo's in luck 'cause, omigosh, We got a brand new play that never bites! We got some actors on our stage for you. And great musicians that are really hot. We'll have a dance, a song, some acting too, And all you gotta do is laugh a lot! And we'll say, Welcome to FASS, my friends. We send you each a kiss. Let me fix your make-up, comb your hair, You ain't never seen a play like this! Life can be full of woe, But here it's full of bliss. Just sit right back and enjoy the show, You ain't never seen a play like this! It's true, we're really glad to see you. You're the audience that paid! So cheer all night, you've got the right! So don't worry 'bout your midterm grade! FASS is the play to see, The one you just can't miss. Just what's on stage? It's all the rage! You ain't never seen a play like this. Wa-ah-ah. Oh my. Wa-ah-ah. No no. Wa-ah-ah. Ha ha ha. Do most plays do this? Do most plays do that? Do most plays sing songs -- with a note this flat? Do most plays have spunk? Hey look at us! Do most plays have overabundant memberships And will make your ev'ning fabulous? So don't you sit there slack-jawed, buggy-eyed, We're here to entertain you through the show. You got us really primed, electrified. We are a singing dancing dynamo! We got weird aliens that visit us, An old professor who's not very nice. A computer so bad, we can't discuss, And you get all of this for one low price! [Oh ho] Hey, U of Waterloo, have a laugh, it's such a blast. 'Cause this is fun, we've just begun, You ain't never seen a play, never seen a play, You ain't never seen a play, never seen a play, You ain't never. Seen a. Play. Like FASS! Wa-ah-ah. Wa-ah-ah. You ain't never seen a play like FASS! Ya! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Interview By The Dashboard Light
(Paradise By The Dashboard Light)JUAN: I remember every little thing As if it happened only yesterday I was looking for some work And there was not a decent job in sight And I know that I can find Something more fulfilling than last term When I spent my summer flipping Burgers all through the night. STUD. And the Want Ads are out and the jobs all suck! If you wanna make good money then you're out of luck! And we're desperate for employment that relates to our classes But we know for sure we're gonna fall flat on our asses C'mon, we all know That co-op blows.... Oh, it's so cold and lonely, and we know damn well We won't get decent jobs here from Needless Hell... SUE: Ain't no doubt about it we were damn depressed Cause we were under-educated And way overdressed. Ain't no doubt about it Baby got to go and shout it Ain't no doubt about it we were damn depressed JUAN: Cause we were under-educated And way overdressed. IAN: Hey, man I just checked the boards And found out that I got an interview Maybe things are starting to look up A little bit this year. ANITA: Hey, I got one too You know I never thought I would get it I guess it's no surprise, because of all those lies In my resume -- probably didn't hurt a bit! EMMA: I hate coming on campus to do interviews! How am I supposed to find a student to choose? `Cause they never understand the things I want them to try. All they do is come and steal all my office supplies. C'mon, we all know That co-op blows... STUD.: Oh, it's so cold and lonely, and we know damn well It's all a waste of time here at Needless Hell... Still, we gotta do what we can And try to find the job that's the best Even though you know that we are damn depressed. `Cause we are undereducated and overdressed... EMMA: We're gonna ask you a thing or two Try to find out about you from an interview We're gonna ask you a thing or two Try to see what you're like in an interview..., RAY: Okay, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here, students are down, nobody's got jobs yet. The students are getting ready. There's the wind up, the sales pitch, and it's a hit. They've handed the employers a quite a line! Look at them go. These kids can really fly! They're finishing off the opening banter, and not letting up at all. They're gonna try to take over the conversation. The interviewer boggles for a bit, then throws them a trick question, and what a throw! The students are stumped! They're out. No. Wait! They managed a snappy comeback, and the employers are smiling! These kids are really making things happen out there. Interviewers try to pitch their companies---the students run with it. Leaving the employers in the dirt! Holy cow, they've stolen the interview! Taking a pretty big lead, almost daring the interviewer to cut them off. Wait, it sounds like we might be getting a job offer. The negotiation squeeze is on. Here comes the squeeze play, it's gonna be close. Here's the offer, the counter-offer, it's looks like they're going to shake hands. Holy cow, I think they're going to make it! ANITA: Stop right there! I gotta know right now! Before we go any further -! SUE AND ANITA: Will you hire me? Will you give me a job? Do you desire me, Or do you think I'm a slob? Will you give me employment for the rest of the term? Will you tell me right now, or will you make me squirm? JUAN AND IAN: Will you pay me? Will you give me some work? Do you like me? Or do you think I'm a jerk? Will you promise to provide me with a job I can do Where I don't photocopy or bring coffee to you! STUD.: I gotta know right now Before we go any further Will you hire me? Will you take me this work term? EMMA: Let me rank you first, Maybe you should let me rank you first Let me rank you first, then I'll give you an answer next Tuesday Let me rank you first, Maybe you should let me rank you first Let me rank you first, then I'll give you an answer next Tuesday STUD.: Will you hire me? Will you give me a job? Do you desire me, Or do you think I'm a slob? Will you give me employment for the rest of the term? Will you tell me right now, or will you make me squirm? JUAN: What's it gonna be boss? I've got three more interviews after this, So what's it gonna be boss -- Yes or no? EMMA: Let me rank you first, Maybe you should let me rank you first Let me rank you first, then I'll give you an answer next Tuesday JUAN: Will you give me some work? EMMA: Let me sleep on it!! ANITA: Will you give me some work? EMMA: Let me sleep on it!! EMMA: I couldn't take it any longer Lord I was crazed and when the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave I started swearing to my God and on my mother's grave That I would hire you for work this term I swore that I'd hire you for work this term STUD.: So now we're praying for the end of term To hurry up and arrive `Cause if I have to spend another minute in class I don't think that I can really survive I never do my homework and I never cram And God only knows if I'll pass my exams! So now I'm praying for the end of term It's all that I can do. Praying for the end of term, to end my time at Waterloo! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Sensitive Ninja Clan
(Pinball Wizard)NINJAS: Ev'ry sensitive young ninja Will take a sacred vow To slaughter you with honour. No mercy we allow. But no insult's intended To any woman or man. We're [a] kinder and gentler Sensitive ninja clan. We have obligations. We will torture you to death. Bleeding on the carpets Until your dying breath. But first we ask politely, Forgive us if you can. We're [a] kinder and gentler Sensitive ninja clan. I'm a new age ninja. Politic'ly correct. A new age ninja. We always show respect. PIKSI: (SPOKEN) Apologize to the lady! JINIK: (SPOKEN) I'm sorry! DIKSI: (SPOKEN) That didn't sound sincere. NINJAS: We'd never hurt your feelings. We only maim and kill. Your health alteration Will take a special skill. Paid depopulation; We know you'll understand. We're [a] kinder and gentler Sensitive ninja clan. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Deal With Me
(Prince Ali)IMPS: Make way, it's intensive IRWIN: Oy vey, it's expensive MRS. S: Dear, lend an ear to old Sophocles. Now, prof, don't you scoff, I'm not here to tease. Will you take the time out to answer my appeal? Say no, you're a schmuck, Say yes, you're in luck, Cuz you're gonna love this deal. Deal with me And you can be Big man on campus. To be prez Do as I sez Listen to me. Just sell your immortal soul Then make your bid for control And soon you'll be running this un-i-vers-i-ty. Deal with me And alchemy Secrets I'll give you. You can mold Lead into gold Effortlessly. And once the technique is shown To build a Philosopher's Stone, Your foes can be overthrown, so deal with me! IMPS: You'll be number one among scholars. IRWIN: We can't afford that. IMPS: You'll get tenure And sen-ior-i-ty. MRS. S: Shut up, Irwin, I know what I'm doing. IMPS: No more scratching for mere research dollars. Yes, soon, it is true, UW will bow to your su-pre-mac-y. MRS. S: But you must also help out with my schemin' IMPS: (Help with her schemin', she's always schemin') MRS. S: By first doing a favour for me IMPS: (Do a favour, just one favour) MRS. S: In exchange, you'll get many a demon IMPS: (Quite a wide array) MRS. S: They'll do what you say, eight hours a day A courtesy, no GST, from old me. Deal with me! MRS S & FASSTUS: You and me Together, we Make quite a twosome FASSTUS: And for that reason, I'll sign My name on the dotted line ALL: For fame and fortune, power galore For secrets as promised For tenure and more FASSTUS: We'll show my oppressors Staff and professors The students and faculty They must now deal with me. [ Top ] [ Index ]
I Won't Buy That
(I Will Do Anything For Love)HP: Yes, I'll believe lots of crazy things, You could even tell me white is black. A & P: Dum, dum HP: I believe lots of crazy things, But I just don't buy the previous act A & P: Act one. HP: Cuz you told me that some aliens arrived in Waterloo. No way! Oh I'll believe lots of crazy things, But I don't buy that. I don't buy that. Lots of crazy things, I'll believe a mathie frosh who sings I'll believe in mystic iron rings But I won't buy crap, No I won't do that. SPUDS: Some guys believe in demons HP: And some guys have better sense ART: Some guys believe in aliens And other weird nonsense. PIROU.: Some of us think a demon Might barter for someone's soul ALLY: Some of us simply dream of ALL: Sex and drugs and rock'n'roll. SPUDS: Maybe it's crazy, but my story's really true Virginia, you tell them, I think they'll listen up to you. VIRG.: As long as the turnkeys are turning As long as the keeners are learning As long as "Hucksters" keeps changing hands You'd better believe it. HP: No, I'll believe lots of crazy stuff, Tell me Elvis Presley's coming back. A & P: The king. HP: But now I have to say, "Enough!" Your story makes my skin react. A & P: And sting. HP: I get itches at the thought of superheroes in the re-al world. It's wrong! I'll believe lots of crazy stuff I'll swallow every kind of guff I'll believe almost any bluff But I won't buy that. No, I won't buy that. VIRG.: Will you calm yourself? Will you just stay cool? Will you listen to me About this god-forsaken school? Will you try to keep two feet on the ground? HP: Yeah I can do that. I can do that. VIRG.: Will you listen to me And let me freely expound? Will you let me tell my tale Without making any sound? Are you going to shut up Or just keep screwing around? HP: I won't do that. No I won't do that. ALL: Lots of crazy things, Trips to the moon on goss'mer wings, We'll believe lots of crazy things, And we won't sing flat. [ Top ] [ Index ]
First Imp-ressions
(Tiny Toons Adventures Theme)We're plastic. We're spastic. We're all iconoclastic. The demon dynastic name for us is imps! Note our elation! We got an invitation To prove our dedication and we're not a bunch of gimps! [So] Bring on Doctor Fasstus, we're the hired help from Hell. His every whim, we'll coddle him, bring Venus on her shell. For four years, we'll submit, and then his life is forfeit. [And] That's the price he'll suffer that we all foretell! We're truly fantastic. Imp Atient's 'thusiastic. Imp Udent is sarcastic, Imp Erative's a putz! Imp Otent's a loser, [Imp] Ractical's a bruiser, A verbal abuser, Imp Ertinent's a yutz! So thank Doctor Fasstus for our home in Waterloo. He sold his soul to take control, who knows now what he'll do? Scholastic. Bombastic. Anti-ecclesiastic. I hear the fall of footsteps just outside the door. ... Get down upon the floor! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Stereotypes
(Summer Nights)SPUDS: Reading week off, give me a break. VIRGINIA: Sexist drunkards, all on the make. SPUDS: Artsy fools, don't find no jobs. VIRGINIA: Engineers think that they're gods. ALL: Student love, ending in fights 'Cause of stereotypes. GUYS: Listen here. Listen here. HP: Don't be a drunken boor. GALS: Listen here. Listen here. ALLY: At least they're not poor VIRGINIA: Antisocials, stuck in a clique. SPUDS: Artsy classes, two days a week. VIRGINIA: They don't use brains, they use brute force. SPUDS: She thinks Descartes's before de horse. ALL: Student love, can't get it right 'Cause of stereotypes. GUYS: Listen here. Listen here. ART: Just admit that you're wrong. GALS: Listen here. Listen here. ALLY: Don't play "stuck up" too long. VIRGINIA: Planes and weights, calculus hash. SPUDS: Books and plays, history trash. VIRGINIA: Girls in arts, we are the tops. SPUDS: I'd rather sleep with Sheila Copps. ALL: Student love, no help in sight 'Cause of stereotypes. GALS: Listen here. Listen here. PIROUETTE: Why not give him a chance. GUYS: Listen here. Listen here. HP: You just want in her pants. VIRGINIA: Tell you what, let's call a truce. SPUDS: What the heck. What have I got to loose. VIRGINIA: You're so absurd. You make me laugh. SPUDS: It could be worse, you could be in math. S & V: Student love, ending in fights. 'Cause of stereotypes. OTHERS: Listen here. Listen here. [ Top ] [ Index ]
This was FASS
(Be Our Guest)This was FASS It had class And an energetic cast Who hope that you had fun tonight 'Cause we sure had a blast Lots of jokes Lots of pokes At U of Waterloo folks From the students to their tutors And the insides of computers There was song There was dance High adventure and romance As the aliens did travel class to class They studied many courses And met Ninja forces It was brash Bits were crass It was FASS Sold his soul For a goal Dr. Fasstus played a role Till students with imprudence Foiled his bid to take control If unique's What you seek Come see FASS again this week What other show would let us Save the day by playing Tetris It's been fun Ev'ryone But it's time for us to run We have midterms that we really want to pass But you need never fear 'Cause we'll be back next year And so we ask You en masse Come on get up off your ass Join the cast Bring your class Be in FASS [ Top ] [ Index ]